50 before 50: checked one off!

Leave a reply

My big sister turns 50 this year; I won’t be 50 until 2 years from now. We are only 13 months apart in age, and apparently I am the only one fully entertained by that sentiment. So yeah, I will be turning 50 myself in about 16 months.

Last week, I started to compile a list of 50 things I wanted to do before turning 50. I added a lot of things quickly and then petered off, not sure what else to add. I’d made lists like these when I was turning 25 and 30 – coming up with nearly twice as many things isn’t proving all that easy! So I turned to my buddy Google.

There were several lists that popped up but they contained a lot of travel activities or experiences that were a little costly, both in time and money. I already had a few on my list (which is still a work-in-progress but I’ll share once it’s done). Sure I could fill up 50 expensive things I want to do over the next 16 months…but my husband can’t take that kind of time off and truth is, I don’t want this to be a costly experience. That isn’t the point. So I’m revamping most of my list down to smaller tasks that have meaning and are a bit simpler than visiting all 7 continents or every country. I’m considering keeping visit all 50 states on there though. I only have 14 left that I haven’t lived in, visited, or traveled through. And if I visit my sis (who will already be 50!) I can knock several more off. One cross country drive would knock out most of them if I’m up for that – haven’t decided yet…

Anyway, today I did one of my tasks! And yes it was simple – and I am truly surprised how I hadn’t done this before today.

I walked in the Pacific Ocean for the first time since we moved to California.

Sounds simple, right? We moved here over 10 years ago and I hadn’t done it yet. We live not even a 15 minute drive from the ocean and I had taken our dog there countless times because she LOVES running in the shallow waves. But I never took my shoes off! We live in NorCal and more often than not, it’s really chilly here – comfy for living, great weather for a dog, but not really I’m going to walk barefoot on the beach weather.

Today, we are experiencing a heat wave. Apparently we are having record breaking heat, at least according to one article I saw. So today was the day. I didn’t bother with real shoes; I put on my Vionic flip-flops and off we went!

The water was absolutely FREEZING…but after that first exposure, it felt refreshing. I wonder if that’s how cold showers work: the initial cold is awful but gradually you acclimate? I noticed that I missed the soft sand beneath my feet. I haven’t walked barefoot on a beach in I can’t remember when. And I felt that – something has been missing from my life for a long time now. Life – living a life has been missing. I’ve been going through day-to-day motions but there has been no progress, no joy.

It might be awesome to visit 50 amazing places over the next sixteen months, but that isn’t what I’m after with this project. I want to find my joy again; I want to feel alive.

Love Jenny

 

Happy? Valentine’s Day

Leave a reply

💜 It’s February 14th, Valentine’s Day. At least in the US – I don’t know if other countries celebrate it too. While the day is shown to be full of love and flowers and candy and romantic gestures, I know that many aren’t feeling the love today.  It can be a really hard day for many; I know because I was single for a long time, not wanting to be single, and the day was a stark reminder of not having something I wanted so badly.

I never enjoyed being single. I wanted a partner for as long as I can remember. Dating was intimidating for me because I was so painfully shy. Online dating made me sadder as those that would initiate contact to me, I didn’t feel interested in…and those that I liked rarely responded back. It took so much out of me to show up or go out and then to repeatedly have this mismatched interest was frustrating. And from what I’ve heard, online dating has only gotten harder. TV shows and movies make dating look fun, and maybe some people have fun with it. For me, first dates were torturous and I really hope I never have to deal with that all ever again!

Maybe it’s just me… While this all sounds good, I know quite a few gals that found love without loving themselves first.

But back to Valentine’s Day… The hubs and I do not exchange gifts. That was on me. Another fun part of my anxiety: gifts are stress inducing. And I’m talking both parts of it, giving and receiving. Some years, I will decorate with a few red heart things around our home. I might wear red this day or make us a special treat – this year, I’m just not feeling it so there is only one heart decoration up and it’s a black heart. Not sure if I did that in a symbolic way or if it was just the easiest decoration to hang up (likely the latter…)

When I was single, I wanted someone special to celebrate things like this with. I would see people sharing all sorts of things online that made the yearning for someone that much more severe, almost desperate (I said almost!) Those in relationships who would tell me that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, marriage is hard, I was lucky I didn’t have to put up with anyone…it was all advice I never asked to hear…and truth is, they were wrong. Admittedly, I don’t know any marriage that I truly envy. But I am beyond grateful for mine. Ours works for us – others likely wouldn’t envy us either. I think what I’m trying to get to is don’t give a single person advice like that; it’s hurtful. It’s dismissing their desires solely based on your experience. They don’t want your experience; they want to have their own.

And to those still in that place where you want a partner, I know it isn’t easy, and not even always fun, but the only way to find someone…is make some sort of effort. I waited for years and Mr. Wonderful never came knocking on my door. And of course, if I’m being completely truthful here, even if he did, I’d hide behind the couch until he left and then only crack open the door when I was certain he’d gone to see if anything was left behind. Showing up and making some bit of effort is the only way. Several times I tried to show up for a date, and while I’m embarrassed to admit it, my anxiety became overwhelming and I had to turn around and go home, leaving him with a gal that never showed up. (I did email one afterwards, apologizing profusely about being such an asshole, explained my anxiety and nerves were too much for me…and we dated for over a year. So some will get it and be understanding…) The hardest part for me was to show up and learn to be comfortable being myself, sharing myself, getting to know someone else. I’m still in that space as I try to make friends as an adult (newsflash: meeting new friends is very similar to dating!)

Today is one day. Do what you need to get through it. When I was alone, I used to watch rom-coms and eat comfort food and let myself cry as much as I needed to. Now that I’m married, I still watch the rom-coms and snack by myself (life is hardly as romantic as portrayed in chick lit.) Tomorrow, I’m looking forward to hitting up the candy aisle and finding the Easter candy out! I am in desperate need of some Mini Eggs!

Love Jenny

To subscribe or not to subscribe

Leave a reply

Are you a fan of subscription boxes? You know, the ones where you get a “mystery box of goodies” each month? I feel like I’m a unicorn here…like I’m a rando who really, really does not like them.

I fully believe that my younger self would have been a fan of those. That was the younger version of me that bought a lot of stuff I didn’t need. She liked to go out and just buy things (yes, she was trying to solve inner issues with material things and it didn’t help…but she didn’t really know any better at the time.) The other day, I got a phone call from a friend who was at Shoppers’ World in Framingham, MA and thought of me. I spent many an hour at SW, especially at DSW. But also Barnes and Noble and Old Navy, then I’d make the trek across route 9 to Dick’s. I charged a lot of things in that area over the years… Younger me liked shopping; I was compensating for something with it. I had a bunch of clothes, cute shoes, various purses – basically, I had a lot of stuff.

Scurge from movie Ragnarok, saying

In recent years, I haven’t shopped like I used to. Part of that could be that over the last 8ish years, I have put on some weight. I don’t like how a lot of clothes fit me, and I blame myself not the clothes. My feet can’t handle “cute” shoes anymore; a developing bunion and recurring plantar fasciitis require solid support and wide toe boxes, which unfortunately are the farthest things from cute. There is also the fact that I don’t “go out” like I did before the pandemic and don’t always feel compelled to look cute. I dress for comfort to run errands or take the dog to the park. The few times Matt and I have gone out, I pretty much wear the same well-worn-in jeans and loose navy top. Buying clothes when you are dissatisfied with your body shape isn’t as fun as when you have a body that came wear almost anything. (This is an issue for another day…)

Mel Robbins on her podcast answering "I hate how I look. What do I do?"

So yes, I have a hunch younger me would have enjoyed random “gifts” each month. But older me, not so much. First off, I am a bit picky about things that I like, products I am interested in using. Growing up, I wasn’t too concerned about what products I put in or on my body. Ah to be young and carefree… But older me is selective. I am much more willing to invest in a better quality product as opposed to getting a whole bunch of things at a fraction of the price that may not be as good. And I try to stick with a routine. I’m learning about the importance of consistency over time in the efficacy of product results. It is hard for the body to keep up when you are constantly changing things up on it! And then, what if they send you something you try but don’t like? That’s a waste of money, a waste of product, and creating more waste for an already overflowing landfill of plastic trash.

Shopper buying a fish asks for a plastic bag. The seller, holding the fish, says it is already inside.

But perhaps one of the biggest issues I have with subscriptions is being  a person living with anxiety. I am not an overly controlling person; I’m really not. But if I can do something to curb the anxiety, then yes I will do what I can to control it. Getting a box of unknown things isn’t fun for me. I worry I won’t like what is inside, that I’ll already have some things and not need more, that more will make me concerned about where to put it, that not liking something will make me feel like I’m wasting money or creating unnecessary waste. To put this in a bit of perspective, gifts make me anxious; I do not really enjoy presents. So getting a “surprise” box each month isn’t really a good time for me.

That being said, subscribing to things I choose, things I will use, and save a few bucks on…well, those are subscriptions I’m not completely against. But I advise not over-subscribing as you might find yourself spending more than you are actually saving. Know how often you use things so that you don’t over-order and have a lot on hand. Set reminders on your calendar when something is set to renew; don’t count on the company to send a reminder email. Many do, and I really appreciate those. But some don’t. I have one that claims they don’t want to bother customers with an abundance of emails. One reminder a few days before something is set to ship is hardly a bother. And I had to set up personal reminders for that one because they won’t give me a heads up.

There are quite the variety of subscription types out there. First off, if you are at all struggling with finances or paying down debt, let me assure you that you don’t need to subscribe to ANYthing. If you like monthly surprises, there a many different box-types out there. Personally, they just aren’t my thing. I’m focused on choosing what I like and consistency of product use.

Images from google search on subscription boxes

Holy sh*t! There are a LOT of subscription companies out there…for every subject you can come up and then some.

Are you a subscriber to any boxes? Share in the Comments below.

What was I thinking…

Leave a reply

So I decided to go on my first Artist Date today! Well I technically made the decision yesterday but I went on it today. And boy do I need to work on some things…

So you can google and find lots of information on what “artist dates” are and ideas for them. In brief, while working through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, this is a tool you are to use to help inspire your creativity.

I had been trying to get in the habit of Julia’s artist tools for several years. Back in October 2023, I started doing morning pages (write 3 pages a day, each morning – google if you want more description). I have been doing them consistently since mid-October. Every morning, first habit of my morning routine is to write three pages. Sure, sometimes I get up late and have to take the dog out first because it takes me a while to write 3 pages. But then I get my butt to my desk, pen in hand, and scribble away. My cursive has improved immensely!

I had bought The Artist’s Way Journal years ago. It has been so long I don’t even remember – definitely before the pandemic! But I never wrote in it. All my attempts at morning pages were in notebooks – and admittedly, they are my preferred place to write. With 3 months of consistent writing, I have learned I have a preference of notebook, type of paper, and certain pens will drive me absolutely bonkers. Who knew?! I am trying to work on some changes for myself and since I have been doing well with consistency, I have moved on to the Journal book. You don’t need it; I do recommend Julia’s book with all the other info if you want to give this program a whirl for yourself. But some people like having the “official” journal to use – so if that’s you, go for it. It has reminded me about Artist Dates. I don’t know now if I will continue them long term. Love the daily writing and I see myself doing that consistently with no end in sight. As for the dates, I will do them for 12 weeks (so 12 outings) and then decide where to go from there.

And so, I went on my first one today…Shelves in a Costco store

and I went to Costco. In retrospect, what the hell was I thinking?! But beforehand, it seemed so clever. Let me explain…

I needed a few things from Costco but refused to set foot in there in December. Maybe I should point out I have a little bit of social anxiety and dislike crowds VERY much. I tolerate them at Disney but pretty much every where else, they are very triggering. Typically, I like to run into a store right when it opens, grab what I need, and self-check my butt out as quick as I can. But it doesn’t matter what day of the week or what time you go, Costco in December is nuts. There wasn’t a dire need for anything so I figured I’d wait until January. So the plan was to go on Tuesday, January 2 – once most people were back at work or school or wherever. But I was on a roll with working yesterday that I wasn’t hesitant to interrupt. And once it started drizzling, I knew I wasn’t going anywhere. I thought Wednesday would be better anyway. And then I remembered I needed a date for this week!

From what I’ve read, I think museums and new-to-me neighborhoods will be my primary date spots. But I just wasn’t feeling those for this week. Not sure why, they just weren’t talking to me. Then I thought, Costco has stories to tell! I will take my time (instead of head down, focused shopping). I’ll make eye contact with others, listen to their conversations, really notice them. I thought the store might have some outrageous things – like a huge supply of something you couldn’t possibly use in a lifetime. It’d be like a quest to find it! While waiting in the long checkout lines, I can look at what people are purchasing and make up my own stories in my head. Costco felt like it would be teeming with creative inspiration! And so, I put it onto the calendar for today as my first Artist Date.

I washed up, put on real clothes – not my comfy house-pants that I typically run errands in! I still wore my orthopedic shoes over something cute I’d wear on a real date because I was still going to Costco. I even took a few minutes to put on a little eye shadow, mascara, and lip gloss.

On the drive over, I reminded myself to smile and take deep breaths. I wanted to make sure I captured the details of my outing. For a moment, I thought I’d take a bunch of pics and maybe even some video to make a reel of it. But I wouldn’t do that on a date with the hubs – I would maybe take one but then I like putting the phone away and being present. The Artist Date isn’t for making a Reel; it’s for inspiration and you need to truly be present for that.

Surprisingly, I found a great parking spot on the store level. My store is in metro San Francisco and has a three level parking garage. Usually I park up top as it’s the least crowded rather than deal with everyone trying to circle and wait for a spot on the entrance level. As I was making my way to go up top, there was a spot just before the ramp. No signs regarding pick-up spaces only so I pulled in, grabbed my reusable totes, and made my way to the giant doorway.

And then the ideas I had of this being a wonderful spot for creative inspiration fizzled out and reality set in. There were a LOT of people, a lot of carts, and I felt a touch overwhelmed. I did try to take my time roaming each aisle but there were always so many carts following close behind or headed right at me. So many people were on their phones – having conversations on speaker phone (a personal pet peeve of mine for those that do that in public) or ticking off Instacart lists. There was the woman complaining to an older woman (her mother perhaps) about the snack not being organic so she wouldn’t give it to her kids. The old woman turned and started shuffling back the way she came. There was a man who had 4 items in his hands, essentially his hands were full. I’d never gone into Costco without a cart; I admired his choice.

I don’t know if the inspiration of an artist date is in fact meant to be captured in that moment or not. I thought I might jot a few things down when I got back to my car. But as I loaded up the hatchback, there was a car waiting for my spot and several cars honked at him as if he were in their way. It took me long enough just packing up; I felt like it would be a dick move to then get in the car and sit and write.

There were lessons in my choice of today’s Artist Date. I should pick something more novel rather than adding on the errand element. I ought to think about incorporating a quiet chunk of time into the date – like I could’ve popped over to a table in the food court to capture some ideas. The tables today were crowded and noisy and the greasy food didn’t smell at all appealing…but it’s an afterthought. A quieter, calmer activity would be better for me.

But I showed up, which is a huge start for me. I just have to start, whatever that looks like, and hope I will get better, and less messy, over time. 💜

Love Jenny

Flat feet future

Leave a reply

I am a little heartbroken. I cannot wear heels anymore…

My right foot isn’t able to handle the angle and my weight and so I have to make the tough decision to not wear heels anymore. I wasn’t even wearing a high heel this weekend but it was high enough.

At 5’2″, I have found a fondness for shoes that elevate me a bit. Platforms were never my thing; I preferred a cute shoe with a heel. I’m not talking stilettos either; I wanted my shoes cute but comfy. And over the decades, I have been fortunate to find some that suited my style, my comfort requirements, and my budget. They made me feel powerful and feminine. Since moving to San Francisco, I didn’t wear them as much (heels and hills were not for me!) But I still taught in them. Then the pandemic came, and I barely wore shoes at all!

As a result, I developed plantar fasciitis. I began to shop for specific support, and gave up my cute shoes for practical ones. Because let’s face it, foot pain is AWFUL. I remember in my 20s getting advice from an older woman to take care of my feet. I was young and invincible so I continued to wear whatever I wanted. But oh how I wish I had truly heard her words that day. I understand it now…I live with the pain.

Slowly getting back into exercising, and strength training specifically, I found the pain diminishing. Focusing on PF exercises and stretches alone didn’t help it go away; building strength in my leg muscles did. So this past weekend, I decided to break out the comfy chunky heel I still had in my closet for our trip to see Les Miz. We planned to take an Uber so there would be minimal walking. I tried on the shoe in our closet and they were as comfy as I remembered them being. These were from BetaBrand, and the shoe has a bit of stretch along with a sneaker-like insole. Amazingly, there was no pain when I put them on or wore them. I felt like a bit of myself again! Then I woke up the next morning…

When I woke up, I felt fine in the bed. I did my morning stretches that I always do before putting bodyweight onto my feet. As I stood up, I was still fine. But my first steps told me otherwise. My right big toe wouldn’t move. It felt paralyzed. Fortunately it was my exercise rest day so I wasn’t going to exacerbate things…but the reality was there. I couldn’t wear heels anymore. If a comfy shoe that had me barely on my feet (house to Uber, Uber into theater and up to seat, standing through intermission and then the reverse trip back home) could cause such a painful reaction, I wouldn’t put myself through that again. I am not one to suffer for vanity; I like being comfortable too much.

Fortunately, a bit more stretching throughout a restful day fixed the issue. My toe moves now, even if there is a slight twinge on occasion. The heels that I still have in my closet will be making their way into a donation bag. And the quest for the most supportive cute flat is underway.

Starting over (yet again…)

Leave a reply

I hate writing this. As I feel like I could write this at least several times a year. And it’s not that I hate starting something new…it’s that I hate that I’m going after seemingly the same “goals” again. I put that in quotes because sometimes I wonder if the things I claim I want in my life aren’t really what I truly want. Maybe that’s why I start and stop and start and stop and start and stop…

The early posts on this blog show several attempts at my starts: getting started running again, eating better, being more active, more social, writing. I’m the writer that never writes so how can I call myself a writer. And how can I claim to want to be a writer if I never write?! (Substitute writer for runner or several other things…)

So here it is November 2021. I have created (yet another) game plan. A plan to find less stress, more movement, simplicity, joy…and perhaps a bit of weight loss. I hope I stick with it. I’m usually good the first of the month, on Mondays, the beginning of the year. The challenge will truly be in a few days.

As for today, I didn’t get up with my alarm. I don’t remember feeling it (I use a Fitbit for vibration alarms so as not to disturb my sleeping hubby). I naturally woke 45 minutes after I wanted to get up and started on my day. Seeing as how I was already quite a bit behind my “schedule” (the plan I had for myself that isn’t a rigid schedule but a guide I’d like to adhere to…), I thought of just rolling over and allowing myself to sleep until I felt like getting up.

You see, I’m on an unofficial sabbatical to try to recover from teaching burnout and figure out if I want to continue in education or move on to something else. My darling husband has given me this gift of time to rest. Trouble is, I don’t know how to rest. I am really good at doing nothing – don’t get me wrong! But that isn’t always helpful in recovering. So that’s why I have a lot of time right now and I keep trying to fill it with things. This November I made a plan to rest though. Yup, I need a plan for that!

So I thought maybe it would be a good thing to just allow my body more sleep if it wanted it (I did turn the light out later than I usually do after all.) But then some asshole was screeching tires out on Portola and I took that sound as a sign to get my butt up. So I did. I didn’t get through everything listed on my morning routine – but I’m allowing myself to be okay with that. I didn’t go to yoga…because I fell back asleep on the couch for another 2.5 hours! Again, I’m okay with that. My body needed some more rest clearly. Hopefully I’ll make it down the hill to class tomorrow.

I hope I never write another starting again post again. I hope I stick with things this time so I continue to grow from here and not revisit here. Only time will tell I suppose…

Brave Day 1

Leave a reply

I saw a book a couple months ago and loved the title. 100 Days To Brave by Annie Downs. The title spoke to me. I’ve been looking for a book with short, inspiring passages to read each morning while I drink my Bulletproof Coffee. It seemed like a strong way to start a new day. So I ordered it from Amazon. Shortly after it arrived, I started reading it one morning and had a slight pause. I was looking for inspiration, not religion…and God is all over this book. But I didn’t return it…

I grew up in a Catholic family. For fourteen years, I went to church services every Sunday. I went to a Catholic school through sixth grade and then CCD classes. I’m familiar with God as he was a big part of my childhood. The reason that attending church only lasted fourteen years was I started to ask a lot of questions and develop logical reasoning for myself. The religion just wasn’t making a lot of sense to me anymore. My religious journey didn’t end there. I sought the community of a congregation in different places where I’d lived throughout my life. I loved how people came together with shared beliefs and the singing was one of my favorite parts. But still, I had so many questions. Organized religion just isn’t for me as much as I desired the ability to have blind faith. So I will admit, I wasn’t sure this book would be for me either. But I do want to find courage…

So I decided to give it a shot. As I’ve done most of my life, I will take from the religious writings what works for me. I may not hold true Catholic beliefs in a Holy Trinity but I do feel there is something bigger than us, something guiding us, a force, an energy…I don’t know what but I think there is something more to life than we can currently understand. Some people choose to call that something “God” and I’m okay with that. For me, I’m going to put god in my pocket as I move on to explore how to find a bit more bravery in my own life.

Day 1: What is Brave?
Like all good quests, this one starts out with a question. And a great reminder that bravery and courage isn’t the absence of fear – but taking action when the fear is present.

“Courage is doing things even when you’re scared.”
I’ve felt a lot of fear in my life and in far too many situations, I gave in to that fear and didn’t take action. That has led to countless regrets. Focusing on all that I missed out on and all the times when I wasn’t brave often has led me in a downward spiral. It is because I no longer wish to live this way that I have allowed this book to come into my life. The fear will always be there but I want to get busy living in spite of it.

And so the 100 days begin…

Whole 30 – first attempt

Leave a reply

It was one of those weeks.  Coming back from spring break, the week felt like it passed so slowly and each day had a thousand tasks to get done and a million decisions that had to be made.  Monday was Day 10 and I packed food to bring for meals #1 and #2. When I got home, I flopped on the couch, totally drained.  I was trying to figure out if I just hit a rough patch in the program or if it wasn’t going to work for me.  On Tuesday, I made taco meat again…and ate it on tortillas.  I wanted the carbs. It didn’t feel like just a craving; it was like my body really needed it. I felt a lot better afterwards: my brain didn’t feel so foggy, my body didn’t feel so off, I rested well that evening.

So I got to Day 10 and then went off the program.  I was off for the rest of the week.  The only health symptom I experienced was a bout of constipation. This came after taking Imodium every morning before work because of the fear of urgency in the classroom.  That’s a hard symptom to manage when you’re a classroom teacher and you can’t leave the children unattended!

I’m not disappointed that I quit on Day 10; I listened to my body. I am disappointed that the scale is starting to creep the other way again.  I wanted the health benefits and weight loss from doing Whole 30 and I didn’t get everything out of the program that I was hoping for.  Which leads me to my next steps: I’m going to start again tomorrow.  I’ve cooked up two soups today for my breakfasts and lunches. Fingers crossed it’ll go better in my second attempt.  The plan is to eat more veg this time around over all the fats and potatoes I had been eating; I think that will help.  I know I need to eat a fair amount of fat but it seemed like that was what wasn’t sitting so well with me before.  I also really need to get on that exercise bandwagon; it helps me physically and mentally. It’s a must-do for me.

Hit a Wall on Day 9

Leave a reply

It happened…I guess I knew it would.
I woke up at 2:50a feeling terribly. After some unpleasant time in the bathroom, I was able to head back to bed for a bit. Then, I woke again at 3:45a and had to go back to the bathroom.  It felt like food poisoning, where there’s a demon in your belly and you know it needs to come out but can’t figure out if it’s going up or down…or both.  What a horrible way to spend a Saturday night.

Friday night while eating a bowl of strawberries and pineapple, I got a sudden soreness in the back of my mouth.  Fearing I was having an allergic reaction (even though I’ve eaten both foods many times before), I was quick to put down the fork and grab some Benadryl.  The possibility of an allergic reaction that close to my throat was very frightening.  But the Benedryl didn’t make anything better and the sore, red spots were still there when I woke up on Saturday and again on Sunday.  After the rough night Saturday, the soreness in my mouth were enough to make me go to the doctor. I always google my symptoms to try to self-diagnose and the only pictures that looked like what I had in my mouth were shown as mouth cancer.  So off to urgent care I ran!  My over-reacting, hypochondriac thinking was wrong (as it usually is); the doctor’s diagnosis: canker sores.  I’ve never had one in my life and the doc said they don’t necessarily know why they occur.  Canker sores, according to him, aren’t serious but can be annoying and painful…indeed they are!  A couple treatment prescriptions later and I was on my way home.

The rest of my Sunday (my last day of Spring Break, mind you) was not spent as I had originally anticipated.  The whole reason I started this eating program was to get healthy again, to reboot my body in a way.  But here I was feeling awful.  The nausea was so intense throughout the day on Sunday and I barely ate a thing.  I made a little bit of chicken-carrot-kale soup in the morning but it hurt to eat.  At lunch, I had a small portion of the previous night’s dinner and dinner…I wanted nothing.  I cooked up another batch of the Sausage & Potato soup around dinnertime, as I had planned to use that for breakfasts this week.  The smell of the meat and then the coconut milk was rough on my senses.  That soup is delicious but I felt so uncomfortable during the whole cooking process due to the nausea.  I didn’t know if the nausea (and the digestive issues during the previous night) were due to the diet or that I was returning to work the next day.  So many times on Sunday, I was ready to throw in the towel on this eating plan.  Usually when I’m not feeling well, tea and toast are my go-to’s…tea alone wasn’t working for me. I wanted Saltines and ginger ale.  It was almost easier to eat nothing than W30 foods.  Dinner ended up being just a small cup of organic, unsweetened apple sauce.

Monday (Day 10) saw me back at school.  My stomach was a little uneasy in the morning, as it has been so often lately.  I took two Imodium tablets and hit the road.  When I got to school, I took my anti-nausea pill, hoping I was covering myself at both ends so that I would make it through the day.  The canker sore is still there on the right, making talking and eating a challenge.  I didn’t want anything for breakfast even though I was hungry.  I ate a banana, since I had to put something in my stomach to take the anxiety medication, and made myself a cup of green mint tea.  A colleague noted a change in my appearance: she said I wasn’t looking well.  So my appearance was matching how I was feeling; I guess that’s something…

I’ve been reading a lot of comments from people who didn’t complete the Whole 30 and how they felt better going off the program.  It was interesting to read those after reading so many positive ones about the plan.  So far for Day 10, I’ve stuck it out.  I got through a school day eating these foods. I know I need to eat more, that I really did not have enough food today.  Out of fear of food not sitting well along with the pain of eating due to the mouth sore, my goal was simply get through today whatever it took.  I did…now I need to figure out how to eat healthily so that I’m not feeling so hungry and lethargic while being confident that my digestive system will respond in kind.  April 30 seems so far away…

My Whole 30 Days 7 & 8

Leave a reply

So I forgot to post yesterday and was just about to curl up with a movie when I realized, I hadn’t yet posted today!  I have to figure out this writing habit as I certainly don’t have it down yet…

I have been breaking a Whole 30 rule. I’m usually not a rule breaker by nature; in fact, I’m conscientious to a fault.  But I want to be successful with sticking with this eating plan so this was a rule that I had to bend for me: I weigh myself every day.  My weight has fluctuated quite a bit over the last few years…since BBE and I started dating actually.  I had just finished marathon training, it was a bitter, cold New England winter, and BBE makes really delicious foods.  I’ve been frequently ten pounds heavier than I want to be, and oftentimes, I was closer to fifteen.  Personally, I find it really motivating to see the consistent, lower number on the scale.  When the craving for a cookie set in the other day, I looked at my Withings app and saw how the weight has just dropped every day since I started – that was better than any cookie could have been.  I want to hit my goal weight. I don’t know if it’ll happen through this program – and it honestly isn’t why I started it. My main goal was to improve my overall health and stop the unpleasant digestive issues I’ve been dealing with since January.  But I think it’ll also be a great start towards reaching my goal weight. I do understand why the rule was put in place to not weigh yourself, to take the focus off weight loss – but if seeing that number each day (and possibly lower ones) keeps me eating according to plan, then I’ve determined that’s okay for me.

The reason I went off on the weighing myself tangent is that yesterday, my weight fluctuated up, almost a whole pound.  It was still five pounds lower than I’ve been for months and months but I thought that might be why they say to not weigh yourself. I’d been eating Whole 30 foods for a week and my weight went up. I get it and I’m okay with the fluctuation.  But I’m guessing others would be frustrated.  (In case you were wondering, it was back down today.)

Today Day 8 was an all day cooking extravaganza!  The pork shoulder went into the slow cooker first thing this morning for pulled pork and then in the early afternoon, I started making the sweet potato gnocchi.  I didn’t sit down to eat until after 6 o’clock but it sure was tasty when I did.  I do think I’ve hit my sweet potato capacity though.  Time to find some new recipes for the week ahead…hopefully without anymore grocery runs (I went five times in one week!)

Once the rain finally passed this morning, I went out for a short run (one mile).  It was slow going but all I wanted to do was just run one.  I haven’t run in a while so I have to start slow and low. Plus, with the new diet, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel so I thought it best to just do one.