I sit here, dressed for work. I’m looking kind of cute today in my beige button down, black flare skirt, black leggings, and blue Tieks, hair pulled back into a high ponytail. It says a lot that I feel cute without a stitch of makeup on.  That’s an odd saying, isn’t it? “A stitch of makeup”…doesn’t really make any sense when you think about it.  Anyway… I was all dressed and ready to go.  But yet, I’m still sitting here.  I can’t leave my home.  I’m afraid to venture too far from my bathroom.

Thankfully, the night passed without disruption.  The morning started out okay. I tried to not think ahead because it’s the thinking that starts the spiral. But since it seems to consistently strike around 6:30a, I wondered if I could get out the door fifteen minutes before then, maybe I could ward it off. Or maybe I would already be at work when the worst of it hits. Or maybe, dare I hope too big, if I just got out the door, this would be the morning that it wouldn’t be an issue at all.  I was ready to go around 6:21a. I looked at the clock to note the time when it began. It started small, in the middle of my chest. Then it spread outward.  It was time to leave for work and the nausea was setting in.  Do I stay or do I go?  The battle had begun.

I stayed home. Again.  The thought of being an adult who just wanted to curl up in a ball on the tiled floor of our school’s staff bathroom seemed unsettling. It’s hard to put myself in a potential situation like being responsible for a classroom full of children and having an urgency to use the bathroom but the bathroom is a 3 minute walk away and you can’t leave the children unattended.  I think many jobs, you could go in and see how it goes but if you’re not feeling better then you leave and go home. But I teach.  It’s hard to find someone in the middle of the day to take over the room. It’s hard to make the call to the office for coverage when you can’t wait those few minutes for that person to arrive without fear of embarrassingly having a toileting accident.  And yet this is where I’m at.  The doctor says it sounds like IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) but the horrible nausea makes me think it may be functional dyspepsia (I read about that yesterday).  Whichever it may be, it is not something you can easily manage while being a classroom teacher. I’ve tried googling for the stories of other teachers and how they manage.  Some lucky ducks have a bathroom nearby and students they could leave for a couple minutes. Not me.  My sick time is dwindling and I don’t know how to fix this…which is adding more stress to my body and probably making matters worse.  I don’t know what to do…