The last 365

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The eve of forty-one has arrived.  I remember this day was very hard for me last year: the last day of my thirties.  And now, I’m sitting here looking back on the year that was forty.  I don’t know where the year has gone.

Admittedly, much of it was a blur.  I feel like a lot of time was spent working; even if I wasn’t at work, I was still working.  That’s something I’m trying to get better with: the work-life balance.  And in recent weeks, I’m already doing better there.  Nothing comes home with me on the weekends. Sunday is a much more enjoyable day when it isn’t being used to prep for the day and week ahead work-wise.

In many ways, I don’t see that much has really changed over the last 365 days.  I still don’t feel my age and, from what most people say, I don’t really look it either.  I still get asked to show ID when I buy liquor from time to time.  To see myself in my forties just doesn’t seem real. Maybe it’s just some kind of alternative fact… 😉 No, I know it’s true.  I’ve seen the birth certificate.  And I do have the white hairs showing my aging self.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading and audiobook listening and thinking lately.  The plan is to try to make a few changes (not a HUGE amount where I get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing…just a few important changes) this year so that 365 days from now, I don’t feel like I’ve again gotten nowhere.  February begins the experiment. I’m going to try to do what I know because truth is, I know all this stuff.  I know what’s good for me but like so many of us, even though I know it, I get lazy or want to remain comfortable or it’s just too much effort… I haven’t quite uncovered my excuses exactly but I do know that I haven’t really been in control of myself, of my life. I’ve always been in reaction. I’ve always allowed the thoughts of others to really direct my actions.  But I know I’m better than I’ve been demonstrating. I’m stronger than my food cravings.  I’m tougher than my anxieties.  I’m braver than my fears.  And I’m a smart girl who can think for herself and take responsibility for her actions (and inactions).  At forty-one, it’s about time this Peter Pan grows up.

Perspective

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It’s a cold, rainy day here in the Bay Area.  My sister had given BBE and I theater tickets for a musical tonight in the city.  I love musicals and am always up for a show! I don’t know anything about the Finding Neverland musical but had seen the movie years ago.  Looking out my window, I was a little grumbly about having to head out in this weather on a Sunday night.  But, then I caught myself and how negative I was being.

Here’s really how my Sunday looks: I got to eat delicious beef stew leftovers. We get to watch the Patriots game from the comfort of our own living room as the power stayed on. I’ve got laundry going so I can have clean clothes for the week ahead. We get to go watch a live performance of feel-good singing and dancing. We get to go from our warm home to the theater in warm, dry clothes.  If we get wet, there are dry options for us.

A brief remembrance of those outside in the rain with nowhere to escape the dampness, no hot meals to warm up their insides, no dry clothes to put on afterwards, no joyful football game or theater performance to entertain them made me realize how I was not focused on the right things. Sometimes, we just don’t realize how truly fortunate and blessed we are…

Open letter to Mr. President

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Dear President Obama,

I needed to just take a moment to thank you before your term is truly over.  I, along with many others, wish you didn’t have to go.  I feel like this is one of the world’s worst break ups – where no matter how much I beg and cling to your leg sobbing uncontrollably, you are still going to move on.  You have to – I know. I just wish the one following in your position has an ounce of your greatness.

You have set a high bar for us all to live up to. You have shown unbelievably humility and strength in what I cannot imagine were an easy eight years. You had walls built up all around you as Republicans played their childish games, hating anything you came up with just because it was attached to you in some way.  I don’t know why they disliked (or dislike) you so much. Regardless of that, you were the people’s president, and you will always be.  We chose you. And it pained me that they couldn’t accept that and work together like grown-ups. My 5th grade students show more sense than Congress did at times.

During your term, you were compassionate. You spoke intelligently, and from the heart. You made us laugh. You cried with us. I don’t have any clue of what’s to come but I know that it won’t be what we’ve been blessed with for the last eight years.  You chose an amazing woman to be your partner in life and together raised two beautiful young women. You go, Barry!

As I mentioned, I am a teacher of 10 year old minds.  This is has been a very challenging time to teach as the children had so many questions, concerns, and fears, and for once in my career, I had no answers for them.  The day after the election I was numb to the results and told the kids that we just weren’t going to talk politics that day.  As a teacher, I can’t let my feelings shadow their thinking. I have to be objective to help them make decisions for themselves. But between us, I’m dreading this guy coming in.  I certainly didn’t pick him. I don’t know what the people were thinking as he spoke such ignorant words of hate and disgust.  I’m really nervous about what’s to come in the days and years ahead for all of us.

So, it’s time for me to let you go.  Again, thank you for all those warm, fuzzy feelings, the comfort, the hope.  Best wishes to you all on the other side!

Love Jenny

Setbacks

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One step forward, two (or more) steps back has become the dance of my life.  And it SUCKS!  After yesterday’s post, I was getting myself ready to stay focused on the big picture.  I went in to bed around 9:45p last night and read until 10:30p. I knew that’d mean less than seven hours of sleep but I wanted to finish a few things before going to bed and really wanted to read for a bit before turning out the light.  I figured I’d take the six hours, get up at 4:30a, drink my green drink, meditate for 10 then shake my bum bum. I woke a few times during the night; around two a.m., I thought I should get up to use the bathroom but the feeling soon subsided and I fell back asleep. I woke next to thinking it must be around time to get up but a quick peek at the clock said I could have one more hour of sleep.  My next glance at the clock was a few minutes before my Fitbit was set to buzz on my wrist.

It was that moment when you wake up and feel awake, like you could get up, but then you figure, I might as well take the last few minutes of sleep that I get. Then when you’re alarm does go off five minutes later, there’s no way you feel like dragging your butt out of the bed.

My alarm was set for 4:30a so I could spend an hour on my me-time tasks – in truth, I could’ve gone back to sleep for another hour or so and still had plenty of time to get to work but I’m striving for growth this year which means change… So, I pulled my knees up to my chest for a little stretch, then let them fall to my right while the rest of me rolls along after them out of bed.  The morning seemed to go fine and I was about ready to leave at 6:30am (goal time to leave) when I thought I should use the restroom one last time before my 30+ minute commute.  Potential TMI warning!  I had already had my morning BM (which always makes for a better day ahead personally) but I apparently hadn’t gotten it all out and had more to evacuate.  I felt a little off this morning and thought some Immodium would fix the funny feelings and get me on my way.  I’m backing out of the garage at 6:40am and still feeling off.  This time, it was more upper GI – I was nauseous. I paused before closing the garage door and finishing backing into the street, wondering if instead I should pull back into the garage and go back to the comfort of my yellow-tiled bathroom (it’s a rental). I’ve had a history with nausea.  I think most people, feeling what I felt in that moment, would’ve gone back in no question.  I didn’t.  I chalked it up to getting up early, trying to get a new morning routine going, unconscious stress about not really wanting to go to work, and the hard-boiled egg I’d eaten post-workout.  I figured the feeling would pass.  So I pushed the button to close the garage and continued on my commute.

The commute was AWFUL! It became a game of at what point am I willing to turn around and at what point am I committed to fully going.  I tried to distract myself with favorite tunes on Spotify.  When I have GI ailments, there is a perfect temperature that my body likes to be at – not too hot or too cold – so there was the challenge of figuring out what that temp would be today.  Mental challenges of trying to get myself to think about ANYTHING other than how I felt.  Trying to remember where I might have stashed a small plastic bag was a frequent thought. Looking at the shoulder and being grateful it was wide enough to fit my car if I needed to pull over quickly.  Deep breaths from the morning meditation were attempted again to calm my insides.  It was a rough ride but I made it to work.  A quick jaunt to the restroom proved very unproductive from both ends and yet I still felt sick.

I walked out to my classroom, which is quite a distance from the nearest adult bathroom.  The cool morning air felt wonderful on my face; my hands were so cold that I couldn’t feel them at all.  I turned on the small electric kettle to make some mint green tea. I knew eating breakfast was out but hoped tea would help me feel human enough to be okay about coming in to work.  Nope.  Before the kettle even whistled, I was headed back to the bathroom.  It was 7 minutes before I had to open the door to the students.  Again, nothing happened in the bathroom, and again, I felt much better walking outside.  Most morning tummy ailments I have had do pass after a short while and I figured I just had to wait it out. At this point, it’d been over an hour and a half so it must be almost over.  At 8:20am, I decided I would let fate choose my day: if a sub was available, I was going home.  And home I went.

I thought a lot on the ride home (because there was god awful traffic so lots of time for reflection…)  The lower GI discomfort subsided relatively soon after getting in the car; the nausea has continued to flare up since leaving school.  Pure exhaustion set in when I got home; it was the kind of tired where you’re too tired to sleep unfortunately. I watched a little TV, ate some white rice, and read a book.

All I want is to better myself, my life.  It is beyond frustrating when you try to do something to better yourself and feeling like this is a result. I don’t know what happened today: maybe it was something I ate, maybe I’m just lacking sleep, maybe the morning routine was a little too jarring for my sensitive system. I haven’t a clue what it was or how to fix it. It was a huge setback to me mentally because now I wonder: should I make sleep my priority over morning workouts, maybe morning workouts are too taxing for my body, maybe the hard-boiled egg is a bad post-workout snack for my body (for reference: I brought 2 for lunch to work once, an hour later got wicked food poisoning that resulted in the “going & throwing” for 17 hours straight!) I’m probably just mentally over-reacting right now because I’m tired and seeking an answer. But I hope that this will finally be a time when I push through setbacks – not in a way where I suffer through feeling like crap at work (that’s what sick days are for) but rather, when shit happens, I just acknowledge it and try again tomorrow.

2017 Experiment

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Two weeks into the new year and yup, my resolutions have fallen by the wayside. But all hope is not yet lost.  There are still eleven and a half months to go. I’m not striving for perfection – that’s setting myself up for definite failure. I’d just like to see some growth this year from who I am now. Financially, I’d like my income to increase and debts to decrease. I’d like to have improved cardio, lose 10 pounds, and a few completed road races under my belt. I want next year’s health resolutions to include maintaining the new weight as opposed to yet again wanting to lose them!  I want to have (finally!) read through a long list of books and complete several pieces of writing. While my relationship with BBE is good, there is always room for growth to keep us going strong.

I revisited the Happiness Project I set up for 2016.  Like all those other blogs I found that talked about everyday people’s attempts at doing a Happiness Project, I too failed to keep at it.  I’m feeling the effects of that now: I’m not any happier than I was twelve months ago.  I’m going to give it another go for 2017.

Step #1: My 2017 Commandments

MHP2017-12Commandments

I thought about just using last year’s again to guide my actions for this year but in reading them, I didn’t really feel like they were what I needed for this year.  Maybe that’s why I didn’t go too far with last year: I didn’t have the right guiding principles.  I sought out guidelines that I thought would create the kind of year I wanted to reflect back on.  Some of them I worked in some quotations to really help guide my thinking and provide some solid structure.  Next step…

Step #2: Where to begin?

MHP2017-January

Last year’s plan had a theme for each month. I thought about just focusing on one theme for this year overall.  At first, I was thinking about “love”.  January would be love myself, February would be love BBE, and so on.  But I’m not feeling “love myself” right now.  It doesn’t seem to be the thread to connect together all I want to complete this year.  Then I thought about “growth” because it seemed a better fit for the goals and resolutions I’ve been contemplating.  What I’ve noted is that overthinking gets me nowhere. So rather than dwell on coming up with the *perfect* theme for the year, I’m going with what makes sense: getting started. Just doing these few things for the next two weeks would be major progress, so we’ll see what happens!

I’ve also been rethinking the idea of doing a “happiness project”.  Sure, I hope to achieve a happier state of mind but I’m not really sure that’s the end goal.  And I’ve also learned that by focusing solely on the end goal, I miss out on enjoying the steps along the way. So until I figure all this out, I’m going to be calling this an experiment.  I figure the best way for me to find the growth I’m desiring this year, I will need to do a lot of trial and error and questioning and testing and evaluating.

Cheers to the year ahead!

2016 Year in Review

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In reading back over past posts, “fizzled ambition” seems like the perfect title for my autobiography. Or perhaps the overarching theme of 2016.  Yes, I know I’m starting out in a very negative way of looking back over the last year…but I’m not feeling super proud of myself at the moment. I see constant restarts and failed attempts at sticking with positive changes. My resolutions weren’t overly challenging and yet, I still couldn’t achieve them.  Sitting here this foggy Sunday morning, reflecting on the previous twelve months…I’m feeling like crap.

January 2016: I turned 40. Not sure I can claim that as an accomplishment as it sort of just happened; I didn’t really have anything to do with that. Went to Outdoor Ed with my students: it rained most of the week but they amazingly never complained.  BBE and I went to Tahoe for the first time so I could see the snow I thought I missed so much.  The snow was beautiful…the cold temps, yeah I didn’t miss those at all! It was nice to escape the low temps in the warm casinos (which were unfortunately smokey…) I didn’t stick with my attempted Happiness Project (which I only recalled attempting by rereading over past blog posts…) but all in all, a rather nice start to the year.

 

 

 

 

 

February 2016: In revisiting my Passion Planner and looking at old blog posts, February was a rather quiet month. I went to the dentist and I went to 1 yoga class. I did set a goal to get my weight down to 120#, which in looking at my Withings app, I did actually get close to:

 

 

 

 

 

The rest of the year left much to be desired in the weight department but I was pleasantly surprised to see that I did lose weight consistently (slow as it may have been) during the first two months of 2016.  Which makes me wonder…what happened from then on??? What made the amibition fizzle out???

March (spring) 2016 The highlights of March were going to see Wicked (again) and spring break. I really enjoyed the group of students I had during this school year but being “on” all the time wears me out.  So after three months of school, a two week break was much needed! I’m also seeing this is when I stopped using my Passion Planner so I’ll have to rely on my memory for stand out moments… So on to June.

Summer 2016 Just like I mentioned above, I need my school breaks to re-energize.  This summer, I discovered more about why I personally require those breaks.  I stumbled on to Elaine Aron and highly sensitive people (HSPs)…and quickly attached that label to myself.  I don’t know why I hadn’t heard it ever before during my 40 years but I am one for certain.  I read voraciously everything I could find on the topic. To understand yourself is an amazing moment: the tears made sense, the fatigue made sense, I knew now why I have these seemingly random moments of overwhelm and mental exhaustion.  I thought I was just aging and unable to handle things – turns out I’m just wired a little differently. There were two quick trips over the summer: to a wedding in New England and to see the fam in Florida.  Miles were ran and relaxation achieved.

Fall 2016 It was amazing to me how quickly I went from a happy “ahh” place to a frustrated “argh” one. Back to school in August and day one found me already frazzled.  The year didn’t start off on a good footing.  I’m not sure why: I was prepped thoroughly, I had everything well-planned (or so I thought) but at the end of that first week, I was seriously questioning my career choice.  And the frustration continued for months.  There was no joy to be found for me in the initial trimester. BBE and I took a quick trip to Disneyland in search of joy. I struggled to stick with an exercise program. Juicing wasn’t keeping me going like it did back in June. I was tired all the time. I complained a lot. I pretty much had decided that I would be looking for a new job for when this school year ends, that I would utilize my technical and/or writing talents in a position that better suited me as an HSP.  I volunteered during the fall to be a running coach with a program called Girls on the Run.  We trained for 10 weeks and then the girls completed their 5K race in December.  A week before winter break, I got sick.  It was the kind of sick that takes everything out of you, that gives you the sexy, raspy voice while you constantly cough up thick, green mucus, that takes a minimum of 2 weeks before you start to feel human again. So mentally and physically, I felt like crap.

Winter break 2016 This three week reprieve was so needed by the time it arrived. The first week, I rested A LOT.  I read a book a day (except for when I got to The Book Thief, which took me about 4 or 5 days to fully get through). I hadn’t read that much in a long time and I missed it. I really hope to keep that habit going!  Instead of spending the holidays alone like last year (which was such a dumb thing to do…), I went back East with BBE. Interestingly, it sparked thoughts of family in me that I thought were long gone, thoughts that could give shape to the year ahead.  I started morning workouts again, which were god awful at first but after only a week, I saw myself already getting stronger and making improvements.

I know what I hope for myself in the year ahead and hope that it won’t be yet another year (like the past 40) where I find myself next December saying the same. exact. thing.  I’m tired of starting over so I need to stop quitting. I hope to figure out why the ambition fizzles, when I know I want to improve things in our lives but lose focus or fail to act. I’m better than I’ve displayed over the last 12 months. I just did a google of “ambition fizzles” and found nothing related to what I’m talking about…so clearly, I have some work ahead of me in 2017.

I feel sad.

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When the results of the election were known, I went numb. I couldn’t believe that I lived in a country that could vote for a man who lied constantly, who insulted people, who behaved in such a childish, defensive way with the name-calling, who couldn’t put together a coherent thought or sentence, who is clearly hiding things… His decisions and comments since being elected are exactly why I went numb when I heard the results. They haven’t been surprising; they’ve been disgusting. I can’t listen to his voice or even look at his face without having my stomach turn. However, putting that all aside, it was hearing what the Senate did this week that put me to tears. Clearly the end of many good things has begun.

Friday at lunch, I did what I usually do: prepped my food and went to CNN’s website to see what was happening in the world while I relaxed for a few moments in my quiet classroom. Inauguration information and school-stress aside, I saw a headline that I had to click on. The story told of how late on Thursday, the Senate voted to eliminate free birth control. The numbness returned but this time with tears. And all I want to know is the why.

For me, I have a very painful period. I suffered through many 24-hour stretches during my teens and early 20s where I would lay on the cold tile floor of the bathroom because it was the only thing that gave some semblance of comfort. I needed to be near the toilet because of the vomiting. Every month, it was like a knife in my lower abdomen. I had a mother that didn’t talk to me about my period so I didn’t know that wasn’t normal. I was raised Catholic so I didn’t have all the information about birth control pills and their blessed side effects. It wasn’t until I was 23 and had been dealing with this all for 10 years that I was finally brave enough to face the speculum and go to the gynecologist. That amazing woman changed my life. I no longer spent one day a month curled up in a ball; I could keep on keepin’ on. The pill wasn’t about sex for me; it gave me back the freedom to live without pain.

I’d been on the same brand for a while. After an insurance change, I ended up with a generic brand, because it was cheaper, and I was having all sorts of emotional side effects. So the doctor put me back on the Ortho Tri-cyclen brand name pack. It wasn’t cheap to keep my pain at bay every month but can you really put a price on that? For me, it was like rent or food: it was a non-negotiable fixed monthly expense – I had to have it. There was a point when, for monetary purposes I couldn’t afford to renew my prescription, so I tried going without it. I thought, I’d been on it over 10 years, maybe the pain subsides as I age. Nope! Immediately, the first day of my period without the Pill at 36 felt like it did in my teens. As a grown woman with a full-time job, I was embarrassed to lie there alone at the foot of the toilet again. Fortunately, my doctor and I found a generic brand of pill that didn’t make me crazy and was amazingly free. I felt human again and I didn’t have to stress out about the cost. When you have health insurance, that’s what I think should happen.

Two years later, I found myself without coverage. I had just finished grad school but had not yet gotten a job. I was also moving across the country. So the Cobra I could’ve gotten with my student plan was not going to cover me in California outside of emergencies. I didn’t qualify to be my boyfriend’s domestic partner so he couldn’t add me to his plan. I applied for Covered California as soon as we arrived but OMG the amount of paperwork required for all that!? I’m an educated, computer-savvy gal and it was confusing for me (it reminded me of applying for unemployment) – I can’t imagine how less knowledgeable people fare…you know, the ones who probably need and use it the most. It angered me that the system is almost set up in a way to make them be unsuccessful. Anyway, my timing was tight: I needed to renew my birth control pills as soon as we got to California but had no money or insurance to make it happen. I wouldn’t be able to get Covered California for at least a month or more. I didn’t even have enough money to cover an out-of-pocket doctor’s appointment, let alone a pill pack or two. This is where I am ever grateful to Planned Parenthood.

I always thought that Planned Parenthood was there for those truly in need, who didn’t have all that I was fortunate to have. To be honest, I felt guilty seeking out their help at first. But at the thought of going off the pill and having those cramps, I put my guilty feelings aside, acknowledged that this was my moment of need, and made an appointment. Not only did I get to speak with a medical professional at no expense, they gave me an entire year’s worth of pill packs at no expense! It was the exact brand that I’d been taking so no missed month or weaning on to a new prescription. Whatever all the Republicans try to tell you about Planned Parenthood is all bullshit. They’ve never been there; they don’t truly know. Planned Parenthood helps people in their times of need – they helped me. And it had absolutely nothing to do with an abortion. Planned Parenthood kept my pain at bay.

For me, a month later, I was able to get a job and my prescription was covered. I get my pill packs in the mail and have been fortunate to not have the monthly expense of them thanks to the Affordable Care Act. As a teacher living in San Francisco and still paying off student loans, that is a nice little savings. But my losing that savings isn’t why I teared up when I read about the Senate’s vote this week. I did replay this whole story to myself but it made me think about all the other women who aren’t as fortunate as I am. I still have my job and medical coverage so I’ll be able to continue to pay for my pill as long as that continues. But what about those who don’t have coverage from their jobs or those who are about to lose their coverage because it is now absolutely clear to me that the Republicans will not stop until the entire ACA is dismantled and people are left with nothing. They’ve talked only of repealing Obamacare quickly but not of quickly putting something in its place. I think about the other women who battled the pain that I do every month and I feel for them. I fear for how the Republicans keep attacking Planned Parenthood and am scared that they will be successful in dismantling that wonderful organization as well. And I don’t know why. Why do they dislike the poor so much? Why don’t Republicans have an ounce of human decency to try to help those in need instead of continually tearing them down and taking things away from them? Those in poverty have so little as it is. The Republicans just seem like a bunch of bullies. Or if you look back at their treatment of Obama during his presidency, they act like a bunch of children. My fifth graders have more sense than them to know that you don’t always get your way and compromise is necessary in life to act in the best interest of others.

And so, I’m left saddened and terrified of what more is to come…

 

Still hangin’ on

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While in the shower this morning, I was listening to a playlist I had made of songs from my youth. More specifically, the songs were from the middle to high school phase where I wanted to be a singer. Girl groups were popular at the time and Tiffany and Debbie Gibson made it seem possible that young voices could be heard. I’ve always had a love of music and singing but being painfully shy and self-conscious makes it hard to sing often. I was fortunate to find two friends who not only were okay with my singing voice but thought it was good enough to be in a female trio with them. We were going to be superstars. Cut to fifteen years later: that didn’t happen. And sadly, the friendships were lost along the way. But the music is still there.

As I stood under the warm stream of water from the overhead shower head, the remake of “Keep Me Hangin’ On” came on. Memories came flooding back like the water droplets of the shower. My two friends and I had a karaoke cassette version of that song (i.e. just the music, no vocals) and decided to use it to try out for our high school talent show. We were in the ninth grade. Our high school was full of wildly talented kids; I went to the same school where Patti Lupone went on the north shore of Long Island to give you a taste of the type of talent I’m talking about. (Of course, this was about 10+, maybe even 20+, years after Ms. Lupone had graduated and moved on to her amazing career. I first knew her as Corky’s mom before I learned of her Broadway career.) We were three quiet girls with a dream of stardom and thought our high school auditorium would be a wonderful place to showcase ourselves. So we got to work.

After lots of practice singing together, dividing up parts of the song passed on everyone’s skillset (I can go deep, Julie can hold notes well), and choreographing our moves, it was audition day. Twenty-five years later, I don’t remember much from before our audition or the performance itself but the afterwards conversation is still very clear in my head. According to our judging panel, we needed to do a lot to strengthen the vocals and the dance would bore the audience because all our moves happened in one place instead of making use of the whole stage. We weren’t given any compliments, just criticism. Walking off the stage, we knew we wouldn’t be in the show. For the next three years of high school, we never auditioned again.

It dawned on me how wrong that was. As a teacher, I don’t necessarily subscribe to the idea of participation trophies and letting everyone be winners. But we weren’t auditioning for some major performance, like the school musical or other vocal competitions. It was the school’s talent show, which should have showcased the varying degrees and types of talents of the student body. But it didn’t. It was a place where the popular and pretty kids were allowed to shine and have a spotlight moment. Unfortunately, it was not for those of us who needed it the most. I know our vocals were not American Idol-worthy and the dance would be what you would expect choreographed by three 14 year-olds with no background in dance: cheesy and simple. But that opportunity would’ve meant the world to us. We were never going to be on the dance team (I know, I tried out and didn’t make it) and maybe none of us were destined to become the next Patti Lupone. But to have a chance to put ourselves out there and do something we love, those teachers killed a chunk of our spirits that day. My takeaways were that they, in essence, told us we weren’t good at what we wanted to do and that the others were better; they’re the chosen ones, the winners. Here I am twenty-five years later and that’s what I remember from high school.

The impact a teacher can have on a child, good or bad, is quite impactful. Something to think about as I prepare to return to the classroom next week…

21 Day Fix (Round 1, Week1 recap)

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I’m thinking ambitiously by referring to this as “round 1”. But in truth, most of the before-and-after photos that showed the best results were those participants who did multiple rounds of the program.  I’m looking for amazing results so hence, I will say I’m in the midst of Round One.

Anyway, I just completed my first week of the 21 Day Fix program, which I started coming off of the 3 Day Refresh program.  So far, no amazing weight loss results but I’m already noticeably stronger and I don’t feel crappy.

What is the 21 Day Fix?
The 21 Day Fix is a program from Beachbody and celebrity trainer Autumn Calabrese that focuses on simple fitness and simple eating.  There are seven workouts and each one is about 30 minutes in length. The workouts include moves that target multiple muscle groups to make the most of those 30 minutes. Along with weight-lifting and cardio, there are also two active recovery workouts (Pilates and Yoga). You repeat the seven workouts each week for three weeks (7×3=21!)21_Day_Fix_Containers_long

What 21 Day Fix is probably most well-known for are its colored containers.  The nutrition guide that comes with the program tells you what foods go in which containers along with how many of each you should consume each day.  There isn’t a detailed menu telling you what to eat for each meal each day; you choose your meals based on the containers.  You eat fewer when you are looking to lose weight and the program also gives you information on how much to eat to maintain the healthy weight you’ve worked hard to achieve.

My First Week
I think it helped that I was coming off of the Refresh program into this program because I was just happy to be able to eat three solid food meals again, even if they were healthy foods!  For me, I like having a menu and knowing what I’m going to eat so I started out Sunday night planning for the week ahead.  Here’s a sample that I came up with for my first day:

21DF-SampleMenu

What I found, for me, was that the menu prep took a lot longer than I was hoping it would.  I’m glad I spent the time Sunday night doing it because it would’ve made Monday more challenging to try to do it as I went along.  I can appreciate that the program offers users a lot of choice by not offering a strict plan to follow…but for those like me, I would’ve prefered that it came with one listing breakfast, lunch and dinner choices.  I find that I stick with these programs better when I exert as little thought as possible.  Once I slow down to think about something, I’ve lost it…

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The workouts definitely kicked my butt in this first week, and that’s even with modifying some of the moves.  On Day 3, my butt was sore in the maximum, medius, and minimus places.  And I was really feeling those side lifts from Dirty 30 on Day 7!  I like that the workouts are consistently 30 minutes. Thirty minutes feels manageable in the morning (that’s when I prefer to get my workouts done). The upside of working multiple muscle groups at once is that you can get a whole body workout in a shorter amount of time – even if it really hurts while you go through it! Each workout shows someone modifying all of the moves, which is great for beginners and removes that feeling of intimidation. Autumn also shows you how to make moves harder, which I hope to use in a few weeks. One week later, I can already see ways in which I’ve gotten stronger.

Final Words…
While I started this program with the hopes that I would lose 10 pounds of squishy bits in my mid-section, I’m looking at it with a more realistic vision.  I’m not looking to deprive myself of things in the hopes that the restrictions will help my fit back into my size 2 pants for one afternoon.  I’m looking for clean eating and fitness to be a part of my day-to-day life.  That said, I will allow myself an indulgence here and there and I will not make myself feel bad about it.  I’ve allowed myself too many indulgences over the last couple years and you know what happens when you do that? It’s not an indulgence anymore. Having a cupcake as a treat every once in a while makes that cupcake taste divine. But when you have one every week, it’s just a part of your regular diet and might taste good in those couple minutes you spend devouring it but, truth is, it isn’t as enjoyable as it could be.  We tend to indulge too often and I believe that it’s time we, as responsible people, need to take some accountability for the choices we make. If your health isn’t up to par, you need to look at the choices you make around nutrition and exercise. Take back control of your body – stop making excuses and placing blame outside of yourself. The big food companies care about your money, not your health.  The only one who can change how you feel and look is you. I’m taking back control of my health…one decision at a time. Week one is in the books!

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3 Day Refresh

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I’ll admit, I buy into the hype that Beachbody touts about its products. It’s how, on an evening of rare insomnia, I ordered Insanity from a 3am infomercial. This time around, my purchase was the 3 Day Refresh program. I’d purchased their Ultimate Reset program several years ago and ended up returning it after struggling to get to Day 2. The supplements were next to impossible for me to stomach; I’m not good at swallowing pills and opening the capsules into water was NOT helpful.  Fortunately, Beachbody offers a very generous return policy. After that experience, I assumed the 3 Day Refresh was a mini-Reset program and was quite hesitant. But after feeling like absolute crap lately, no matter what I consumed, I needed to do something so I ordered the program.

3DayRefresh

What is the 3 Day Refresh?
Beachbody promotes the program as a way to kick-start a weight-loss regimen, develop healthy eating habits, detoxify and cleanse, help your body function more efficiently, improve the way you feel, etc. They show it as a healthy way to fast (fast is a key word; I’ll come back to that…) The sales pitch makes it sound like you would be a complete moron for not buying and using it. I mean, who doesn’t want to feel “more like the happy, confident, fundamentally healthy person you know you can be”?

The program involves 3 days of supplements in powder form, lots of water, and a few veggie and fat foods.  Strenuous exercise is advised against as you won’t be consuming sufficient calories to support that kind of energy level.

My Why
So yes, the sales pitch pulled me in.  But, like with any program that you will successfully stick with, you need to know your personal “why” in order for you to stick with it.  For me, I’ve slowly gained almost 15 lbs since my boyfriend and I started dating back in October 2013.  After coming off training for the NYC marathon in November 2013, I took my usual recover-for-a-few-months stance. We dated through a particularly cold winter that left us little else to do than cook and bake (which we both really enjoy) and, of course, eat our tasty creations as we got to know each other. It gave our relationship a solid foundation…and unfortunately, also our waistlines. Cut to two and a half years later, I’m up 15 pounds.  I’m only 5’2″ so that’s a significant amount of additional weight for me to be lugging around. If I did the math correctly, it’s about 13% of my body weight! Also, I’ve struggled to stick with a fitness program since moving across the country.  I’ve been constantly starting over and then frequently giving up soon after I began.  It’s been taking a mental toll on me because I’m not sure why I’ve been struggling so much.  But I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been. I feel like crap, tired all the time and little enthusiasm for anything. I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I hate that my clothes don’t fit. I hate having pictures taken. I don’t feel attractive. I was in a bit of a negative slump.  Oh, and I’d recently turned 40…

With all of that going on, I tried, yet again, to kick off a healthy eating and workout routine.  I dusted off my Insanity DVDs and set my alarm for 4:30a. On the second day, I had eaten cleanly all day but when I got home from work, I noticed that my belly was so bloated that, not only was it uncomfortable but I looked 5 months pregnant. On the third and fourth days, I noticed how, whatever I ate, my belly bloating continued – so much so that I didn’t want to eat anymore.  Food was the enemy of something in my gut.  Then it clicked in my head: clean the gut out!  Tucked away in the back of my head was the Refresh program. I had a 3 day weekend coming up and it was a 3 day program…perfect!

Except that the program didn’t arrive in time. So that became a 3 day Reboot weekend, which I should write a post on because it did wondrous things for me. That weekend, I juiced for 3 days.  I was nervous to continue it as I went back to school, thinking I’d be out of my mind hungry and not have the energy I’d need to keep up with my students.  But I have to say, it made me feel AH-MAY-ZING!  What I mean by amazing isn’t really that I felt this jolt of energy and joy but rather, it took away all the crappy feelings.  I no longer felt bad.  Juicing didn’t make me bloat.  It took a few pounds away.  I’ve been juicing on and off since Memorial Day weekend, having a juice for breakfast and lunch, fruit for lunch then eating a real dinner. But when school ended last Thursday, I knew this was setting me up perfectly to kick off summer on a refreshed, healthy foot.

My Refresh Experience

The night before I started, I roamed to Internet looking for other people’s experience with the Refresh program. Many Beachbody coaches raved about the product, which is to be expected because they make money if they sell it. I read one that claimed to be the only unbiased one out there and it made me nervous. Clearly, this Refresher did not have a good experience. I wasn’t sure I’d get through Day 1, recalling my Ultimate Reset experience, and hoped that the packaging was still in the recycling bin in case I needed to return it.

That said, aside from feeling hungry (often!), I actually liked the program. I’m not one to share a lot of photos of myself so I didn’t take before and after pics – but according to the scale, I’m down 3.8 lbs since Day 1 (today is the day after Day 3). Again, some reviews say that all weight is put back on soon after – my plan is to jump into the 21 Day Fix program to keep those pounds at bay. It’s really motivating to see a lower number on the scale finally!

So, yes, I was hungry…a lot. If you’re used to eating regularly, this program feels kind of like a fasting program.  So much so that during the night of Day 2, I awoke at 3:00am with a grumbling tummy and seriously contemplated getting up and having a banana.  The only reason I didn’t have it was that I was too damn tired to get out of bed and walk to the kitchen.  Being hungry is not a feeling that I enjoy so that was hard for me.  I kept exercise to a real minimum while I did the Refresh; I don’t think I could’ve done it while continuing to work.  Juicing filled my tummy and I was never hungry; I can’t say the same for the Refresh drinks.

So how did the drinks taste?
Personally, I thought the flavors were tolerable.
Shakeology: You can choose any of the Shakeology flavors and I went for chocolate, which I really like with frozen strawberries so that was my breakfast for the last 3 days.
Vanilla Refresh: I tried a variety of combos with the Vanilla Fresh powder; my favorite was blending it with frozen peaches.
Fiber Sweep: Some reviewers weren’t kind to the Fiber Sweep.  As someone who has consumed Amazing Grass Green Superfood for months, I didn’t mind the flavor of just mixing it with cold water because it had a lemony taste to it.  I did find that 10 ounces of water wasn’t enough as the powder would start to settle to the bottom of the glass quickly.  So each morning, I did add another 3-4 ounces of water and shake it again to as much of it down as I could.

3DR-Dinner

Snacks & Dinners
The meals were tasty but tiny.  I went with the Veggie Stir Fry, Moroccan Carrot Salad, and Roasted Asparagus with Almonds. The carrot salad was a new side dish for me and I really liked it; I’m planning to add it to my recipe book and look forward to enjoying it next time on the side of a piece of baked chicken.

As a cheat on the third day, I did have an apple in my afternoon snack (in place of a vegetable) and 2 tablespoons of almond butter (I misread the measurement). But I was grateful for the added sustenance because there are limited calories in this program.  As someone who loves her unhealthy snacks, I have to laugh at the idea that I cheated by eating an apple. Considering chips, yogurt pretzels, crackers, tater tots, and jelly beans were all within reach, I think I did really well!

Were there any adverse side effects?
Other reviewers commented about the fiber drink giving them digestive issues so I went with options that the program recommends as being more gut-friendly.  I didn’t have any adverse digestive reactions, which surprised me because I usually do when trying a new nutrition program.  Really, the only negative for me was that I often felt hungry.

Would I recommend this program?
Depending on what someone was looking for, I might recommend this program.  With knowing my own body pretty well, the low-calories really concerned me so that would likely be my primary hesitation is recommending this to someone else.  But other than that, I think the meals were tasty, the supplements were easy enough to consume (MUCH easier than the Ultimate Reset!), and the program was easy to follow.  It is a bit pricy for 3 days of supplements – and you still have to buy the fruit and veggies to go along with it.  But it’s wonderful that Beachbody has its generous return policy so if you don’t see any results, you can return it for a refund.  So, for that reason, I’d say it’s definitely worth a try.

My Final Thoughts
It was hard to stick with this initially.  My boyfriend was snacking around me and cooking food, which was a real test of my willpower.  I think having a strong enough reason for doing it helped me to stick with it and it really feels good to see a number on the scale I hadn’t seen in awhile.  Being hungry makes me overthink about food, which was an additional challenge for me.  I’m glad I gave it a shot and feel that I got out of it what I was looking for: starting off my summer on a healthy note!