Tag Archives: 2016

2016 Year in Review

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In reading back over past posts, “fizzled ambition” seems like the perfect title for my autobiography. Or perhaps the overarching theme of 2016.  Yes, I know I’m starting out in a very negative way of looking back over the last year…but I’m not feeling super proud of myself at the moment. I see constant restarts and failed attempts at sticking with positive changes. My resolutions weren’t overly challenging and yet, I still couldn’t achieve them.  Sitting here this foggy Sunday morning, reflecting on the previous twelve months…I’m feeling like crap.

January 2016: I turned 40. Not sure I can claim that as an accomplishment as it sort of just happened; I didn’t really have anything to do with that. Went to Outdoor Ed with my students: it rained most of the week but they amazingly never complained.  BBE and I went to Tahoe for the first time so I could see the snow I thought I missed so much.  The snow was beautiful…the cold temps, yeah I didn’t miss those at all! It was nice to escape the low temps in the warm casinos (which were unfortunately smokey…) I didn’t stick with my attempted Happiness Project (which I only recalled attempting by rereading over past blog posts…) but all in all, a rather nice start to the year.

 

 

 

 

 

February 2016: In revisiting my Passion Planner and looking at old blog posts, February was a rather quiet month. I went to the dentist and I went to 1 yoga class. I did set a goal to get my weight down to 120#, which in looking at my Withings app, I did actually get close to:

 

 

 

 

 

The rest of the year left much to be desired in the weight department but I was pleasantly surprised to see that I did lose weight consistently (slow as it may have been) during the first two months of 2016.  Which makes me wonder…what happened from then on??? What made the amibition fizzle out???

March (spring) 2016 The highlights of March were going to see Wicked (again) and spring break. I really enjoyed the group of students I had during this school year but being “on” all the time wears me out.  So after three months of school, a two week break was much needed! I’m also seeing this is when I stopped using my Passion Planner so I’ll have to rely on my memory for stand out moments… So on to June.

Summer 2016 Just like I mentioned above, I need my school breaks to re-energize.  This summer, I discovered more about why I personally require those breaks.  I stumbled on to Elaine Aron and highly sensitive people (HSPs)…and quickly attached that label to myself.  I don’t know why I hadn’t heard it ever before during my 40 years but I am one for certain.  I read voraciously everything I could find on the topic. To understand yourself is an amazing moment: the tears made sense, the fatigue made sense, I knew now why I have these seemingly random moments of overwhelm and mental exhaustion.  I thought I was just aging and unable to handle things – turns out I’m just wired a little differently. There were two quick trips over the summer: to a wedding in New England and to see the fam in Florida.  Miles were ran and relaxation achieved.

Fall 2016 It was amazing to me how quickly I went from a happy “ahh” place to a frustrated “argh” one. Back to school in August and day one found me already frazzled.  The year didn’t start off on a good footing.  I’m not sure why: I was prepped thoroughly, I had everything well-planned (or so I thought) but at the end of that first week, I was seriously questioning my career choice.  And the frustration continued for months.  There was no joy to be found for me in the initial trimester. BBE and I took a quick trip to Disneyland in search of joy. I struggled to stick with an exercise program. Juicing wasn’t keeping me going like it did back in June. I was tired all the time. I complained a lot. I pretty much had decided that I would be looking for a new job for when this school year ends, that I would utilize my technical and/or writing talents in a position that better suited me as an HSP.  I volunteered during the fall to be a running coach with a program called Girls on the Run.  We trained for 10 weeks and then the girls completed their 5K race in December.  A week before winter break, I got sick.  It was the kind of sick that takes everything out of you, that gives you the sexy, raspy voice while you constantly cough up thick, green mucus, that takes a minimum of 2 weeks before you start to feel human again. So mentally and physically, I felt like crap.

Winter break 2016 This three week reprieve was so needed by the time it arrived. The first week, I rested A LOT.  I read a book a day (except for when I got to The Book Thief, which took me about 4 or 5 days to fully get through). I hadn’t read that much in a long time and I missed it. I really hope to keep that habit going!  Instead of spending the holidays alone like last year (which was such a dumb thing to do…), I went back East with BBE. Interestingly, it sparked thoughts of family in me that I thought were long gone, thoughts that could give shape to the year ahead.  I started morning workouts again, which were god awful at first but after only a week, I saw myself already getting stronger and making improvements.

I know what I hope for myself in the year ahead and hope that it won’t be yet another year (like the past 40) where I find myself next December saying the same. exact. thing.  I’m tired of starting over so I need to stop quitting. I hope to figure out why the ambition fizzles, when I know I want to improve things in our lives but lose focus or fail to act. I’m better than I’ve displayed over the last 12 months. I just did a google of “ambition fizzles” and found nothing related to what I’m talking about…so clearly, I have some work ahead of me in 2017.

Here’s to a happy 2016!

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Like many, I’m starting the new year off on a hopeful foot.  I see all the potential in the 365 days ahead to fix everything in my life that I’m not happy with.  I start most years off this way and have lists and lists of resolutions and goals.  But, again like many, the resolution ideas fade quickly and the year ends as so many before, with frustration and disappointment as I look back over those lists.  This year, I’m hoping that frustration (nearly 40 years of it!) will finally ignite that fire in my belly so strong so that I won’t end the year as I have done so many times before.

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” Albert Einstein

I’m looking to make a change this year…several changes actually. I have a milestone birthday approaching and it’s prompted me to do a LOT of thinking and reflecting about my life.  While I am blessed in many areas of my life, I noticed that I was missing happiness.  My life is certainly not what I thought it would be at 40.  And I feel that while I can recognize what’s good in my life, everything could use a bit of improvement for me to really be happy with it.  For example, I’m a relatively healthy person. I’m technically within the healthy weight zone for my height and gender. I don’t have a lot of aches and pains or complications.  Food goes in, waste comes out – my body systems are in working order. My blood pressure is where it should be at and my resting heart rate around 70 bpm.  Overall, I have my health.  With that being said, I could benefit greatly from improving my diet and exercising more often. I need to make regular effort to incorporate stress reduction and relaxation into my life. I should be better about getting regular checkups with actual physicians (as opposed to self-diagnosing symptoms on WebMD.)  I’m not yet where I want to be in the health-department, which means I need to makes some changes.  Enter Gretchen Rubin.

I bought the Happiness Project book years ago.  As someone who loves to mark up books while she reads, I became aware that I’d never read the book beyond January because I hadn’t any markings after that section.  I know what past-me was thinking – I’ll read each month as it approaches.  At that time, it didn’t make sense why I would read August as I’m working my way through the actual month of January.  I read the book in its entirety over the last couple days and now understand why it makes sense to read the whole thing prior to starting one’s own happiness project. The book was Ms. Rubin’s story, her experience, her journey.  Mine won’t look like hers; my experience will be my own.  Ms. Rubin had “Laugh out loud” as a resolution for November; I’m making it one of my overarching commandments.  Laughter and humor is something I cherish and value very highly.  I don’t want to start implementing that into my life eleven months from now; I want it to linger over all that I do.  A day without (appropriate) laughter is a sad day in my book.  I think the reason I never actually stuck with a happiness project of my own was that I was going to try to replicate Ms. Rubin’s book but that’s so not the point. Plus our lives are very different.  I would love to be a writer living in NYC with a husband and children but I am very much not. I’m a teacher living on the west coast, no kids (aside from the 30 I work with each day of course), not married but have a wonderful boyfriend, just to name a few key differences.  This was not going to be like Ms. Rubin’s happiness project at all!

But taking a cue from her experience, I’m going to use the format that is laid out for me in the Happiness Project book.  This is new for me: allowing her to be my role model, to not fight against what she did, to simply follow her model to see what happens in my own life.  I will try to not overthink and overcomplicate things but rather see what others did, do the same, and see if I too can achieve my own desires.  So in following along with the project, I came up with some overarching commandments for myself (some I did borrow straight from Gretchen because they made sense for me too):

Jenny's Twelve Commandments

I’m still working on the details of how to remind myself of these thoughts.  Maybe a reminder in my phone… Maybe write them on a small card and keep it in my wallet.  My memory isn’t as sharp as it once was so reminding myself of these will be key for me to live by them.  If only I could remember how my grammar school teachers drilled the Bible’s Ten Commandments into my mind that I can still reiterate them now 30+ years later despite not having been to church in years…

Not all of Gretchen’s themes will work for me so the next thing I did was to spend some time deciding what I needed in order to find my happiness.  I found myself continually drifting back to thinking about how I want to feel this year, what emotions I wanted in my life.  Long story for another post but after being numb to emotions for so long, I began wondering if increasing feelings was going to be my road to finding improved happiness.  My mind also began wandering off on tangent about how I could rename this Happiness Project into something catchy of my own that would be more emotionally charged and maybe not so much a “project” but rather a way of life or lifestyle. Then I reminded myself to just follow the Happiness Project as it is and see where it takes me; a new exciting name/project could wait for another time.  So here’s where my monthly focus will be for 2016: Healthy & Vitality, Love & Gratitude, Serenity & Peace, Connection, Excitement & Enthusiasm, Silliness & Amusement, Optimism & Acceptance, Confidence & Braverism, Wonder, Kindness, Joy, Happiness.  First up: January is all about being happy and healthy.

January's Happiness Project: Be Beautiful

The main idea for January is to take actions that will improve my mental and physical health.  I am a big believer in the importance of mental health to a person’s overall well-being; in some ways, I think it’s the most important piece.  Health is something so many of us take for granted until it’s no longer there.  If you’ve never experienced issues with mental health, understand that you are very fortunate.  If, like me, you have battled inner demons, then you know what I’m talking about.  I think it was even more important that I start off the year with this theme because I haven’t been in the best mindset about turning 40 in a few weeks.  It will happen no matter what so I want to ensure that I am ready for it and will not just suffer through it but find some source of joy within the experience.

As a side note, I tried looking for bloggers who went through their own Happiness Projects.  I pride myself as being skilled in the googling department but found very few blogs about people’s individual projects.  The few that I found only wrote about a few months.  I know that I’ve struggled to be consistent with blogging as well as sticking with a self-help project such as this but it made me sad that I didn’t find one other blog that showed someone, other than Ms. Rubin of course, who completed their own Happiness Project.  I hope I won’t also be one to fall off that wagon.  I hope to find others to share this journey with, to help hold one another accountable.  But for now, I’m on my own.  No time like the present to jump into action – time to put on my sneaks and head outside for a walk.

Love Jenny

 

 

2015 Year in Review

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This may seem weird but I don’t remember a lot that happened in 2015. Not in that I-drank-too-much-don’t-remember-nights of my 20s (and 30s). I just spent 365 days…doing what? I worked – that I know because I had money deposited into my bank each month and I still have the same job today. Surely they would’ve let me go had I not shown up, right? All in all, it just wasn’t a very memorable year. And to be honest, that thought makes me kind of nope, it makes me quite sad.

January: I turned 39 in January – that one stands out. The final year of my thirties had arrived (and apparently I escaped unharmed). I remember BBE (best boyfriend ever) brought me cupcakes; I never forget sweets. My students gave me gifts, which caught me off-guard because I didn’t know they were even aware that it was my birthday. I had an observation that day from my principal (note to future self: never plan to be observed on your birthday). But the birthday came and went like the rest of the month.

February: I spent a week with my students at an outdoor educational setting. This urban gal was grateful that there was at least indoor plumbing but it was still roughing it too much for my tastes, especially as a job responsibility. It was an exhausting, uncomfortable, unsanitary, uncompensated work experience that I’m not looking forward to reliving (BTW I’m going again next Tuesday…) The students had a wonderful time; teachers…not so much. Other than that and the NE Patriots winning the Super Bowl, February was a bit of a blur.

March: Got through the month…

April: As a part of my spring vacation, BBE and I went to Florida for a few days. We visited with my 94-year old grandmother and other family then we went off to Disney where it was hot as hell and we ate way too much food but had fun.

May and June: I don’t remember much beyond working (clearly I need to improve on my social life as all I can recall is time working…) I was happy when the school year ended – not because I don’t enjoy working. I actually really enjoy working a lot.  But I needed rest. I was sick most of the school year. Thanksgiving weekend 2014 I spent on the couch and the symptoms lingered all through the winter and spring. My energy was always depleted. I wasn’t eating well and couldn’t stick with a workout program for my life. I went to work and came home; I spend much of 2015 as a homebody. There’s a dent in the couch the size of my butt to prove it.

July: Summer gave me time to find my running legs again. I had gotten picked in the lottery for the Nike Women’s Half Marathon in SF (October 2015) and began training over the summer. My sister came out for a visit. We went up to Sonoma, drank wine in a cave, hit the casino in Graton (I lost I don’t remember how much, she won $1000). I ran mostly long runs on the weekends.

August: I had joined a running group to help me socially reach my running (and new friend making) goals. I went to the first day of training, talked with a few nice folks, developed painful plantar fasciitis in my left foot, and couldn’t run again for months. The Half Marathon never happened (and sadly never will as it will no longer be held in SF). August also found me going back to work.

Fall (September to November): Work took its toll on me. Teaching can really drain the life out of you… The school year started well. I was organized; I left at the end of my contract day; I didn’t bring things home. But it shifted somewhere and I fell into a teaching hole. I couldn’t stop thinking about work; I brought assignments home to grade; I was prepping and planning on nights and weekends. I could never get my to do list to be completed because 2-3 things would be added every time I completed a task. Frustration and overwhelm began to settle in because I could only see all I still had to do and not all that I’d already accomplished. Teacher conferences were wonderful moments of having small, personal conversations with my students and their families but I was too exhausted to really enjoy them. My introverted energy was just sapped. Those moved me on to Thanksgiving weekend…where again I spent the entire weekend on the couch nursing a developing cold. I saw the beginnings of a terrible downward cycle repeating itself and stress took up permanent residence in me. Still not able to stick with a workout program due to exhaustion (mental and physical) and couldn’t get into good eating habits (which wasn’t helping the exhaustion). Thanksgiving was delicious; we had quite a lot of potatoes, which this Irish gal devoured.

December: I became the teacher I didn’t want to be: the one who counted the days until Winter Break. I want to love the work that I do but I struggled through December. I wasn’t even up for traveling over the holidays to spend time with family. Work over the past year was just one factor of my mental state; another was that I could see my 40th birthday looming on the horizon. This isn’t what I thought 40 would look like. It’s taking everything in me to keep it all together but I feel as secure as a house of cards made on a folding table; one little gust or table tap could make the whole thing collapse.

I don’t want to be so negative. I want to recognize the good moments of 2015 because I know there were some: visiting with family, connecting with old friends, weekend trip to Monterey, BBE getting a new job (the whole reason we came to CA!), the landlord not raising our rent so we could stay in our home, getting a great little car, acquiring enough credits to get a pay increase, being told my so many of my students’ parents how much their children love coming to school, running the last two days and not having any PF pain… The good is there, I know it is. I’m just feeling my way through some of the bad right now. I want 2016 to be better; I want to be better in 2016. I will make it better.

2016