When the results of the election were known, I went numb. I couldn’t believe that I lived in a country that could vote for a man who lied constantly, who insulted people, who behaved in such a childish, defensive way with the name-calling, who couldn’t put together a coherent thought or sentence, who is clearly hiding things… His decisions and comments since being elected are exactly why I went numb when I heard the results. They haven’t been surprising; they’ve been disgusting. I can’t listen to his voice or even look at his face without having my stomach turn. However, putting that all aside, it was hearing what the Senate did this week that put me to tears. Clearly the end of many good things has begun.

Friday at lunch, I did what I usually do: prepped my food and went to CNN’s website to see what was happening in the world while I relaxed for a few moments in my quiet classroom. Inauguration information and school-stress aside, I saw a headline that I had to click on. The story told of how late on Thursday, the Senate voted to eliminate free birth control. The numbness returned but this time with tears. And all I want to know is the why.

For me, I have a very painful period. I suffered through many 24-hour stretches during my teens and early 20s where I would lay on the cold tile floor of the bathroom because it was the only thing that gave some semblance of comfort. I needed to be near the toilet because of the vomiting. Every month, it was like a knife in my lower abdomen. I had a mother that didn’t talk to me about my period so I didn’t know that wasn’t normal. I was raised Catholic so I didn’t have all the information about birth control pills and their blessed side effects. It wasn’t until I was 23 and had been dealing with this all for 10 years that I was finally brave enough to face the speculum and go to the gynecologist. That amazing woman changed my life. I no longer spent one day a month curled up in a ball; I could keep on keepin’ on. The pill wasn’t about sex for me; it gave me back the freedom to live without pain.

I’d been on the same brand for a while. After an insurance change, I ended up with a generic brand, because it was cheaper, and I was having all sorts of emotional side effects. So the doctor put me back on the Ortho Tri-cyclen brand name pack. It wasn’t cheap to keep my pain at bay every month but can you really put a price on that? For me, it was like rent or food: it was a non-negotiable fixed monthly expense – I had to have it. There was a point when, for monetary purposes I couldn’t afford to renew my prescription, so I tried going without it. I thought, I’d been on it over 10 years, maybe the pain subsides as I age. Nope! Immediately, the first day of my period without the Pill at 36 felt like it did in my teens. As a grown woman with a full-time job, I was embarrassed to lie there alone at the foot of the toilet again. Fortunately, my doctor and I found a generic brand of pill that didn’t make me crazy and was amazingly free. I felt human again and I didn’t have to stress out about the cost. When you have health insurance, that’s what I think should happen.

Two years later, I found myself without coverage. I had just finished grad school but had not yet gotten a job. I was also moving across the country. So the Cobra I could’ve gotten with my student plan was not going to cover me in California outside of emergencies. I didn’t qualify to be my boyfriend’s domestic partner so he couldn’t add me to his plan. I applied for Covered California as soon as we arrived but OMG the amount of paperwork required for all that!? I’m an educated, computer-savvy gal and it was confusing for me (it reminded me of applying for unemployment) – I can’t imagine how less knowledgeable people fare…you know, the ones who probably need and use it the most. It angered me that the system is almost set up in a way to make them be unsuccessful. Anyway, my timing was tight: I needed to renew my birth control pills as soon as we got to California but had no money or insurance to make it happen. I wouldn’t be able to get Covered California for at least a month or more. I didn’t even have enough money to cover an out-of-pocket doctor’s appointment, let alone a pill pack or two. This is where I am ever grateful to Planned Parenthood.

I always thought that Planned Parenthood was there for those truly in need, who didn’t have all that I was fortunate to have. To be honest, I felt guilty seeking out their help at first. But at the thought of going off the pill and having those cramps, I put my guilty feelings aside, acknowledged that this was my moment of need, and made an appointment. Not only did I get to speak with a medical professional at no expense, they gave me an entire year’s worth of pill packs at no expense! It was the exact brand that I’d been taking so no missed month or weaning on to a new prescription. Whatever all the Republicans try to tell you about Planned Parenthood is all bullshit. They’ve never been there; they don’t truly know. Planned Parenthood helps people in their times of need – they helped me. And it had absolutely nothing to do with an abortion. Planned Parenthood kept my pain at bay.

For me, a month later, I was able to get a job and my prescription was covered. I get my pill packs in the mail and have been fortunate to not have the monthly expense of them thanks to the Affordable Care Act. As a teacher living in San Francisco and still paying off student loans, that is a nice little savings. But my losing that savings isn’t why I teared up when I read about the Senate’s vote this week. I did replay this whole story to myself but it made me think about all the other women who aren’t as fortunate as I am. I still have my job and medical coverage so I’ll be able to continue to pay for my pill as long as that continues. But what about those who don’t have coverage from their jobs or those who are about to lose their coverage because it is now absolutely clear to me that the Republicans will not stop until the entire ACA is dismantled and people are left with nothing. They’ve talked only of repealing Obamacare quickly but not of quickly putting something in its place. I think about the other women who battled the pain that I do every month and I feel for them. I fear for how the Republicans keep attacking Planned Parenthood and am scared that they will be successful in dismantling that wonderful organization as well. And I don’t know why. Why do they dislike the poor so much? Why don’t Republicans have an ounce of human decency to try to help those in need instead of continually tearing them down and taking things away from them? Those in poverty have so little as it is. The Republicans just seem like a bunch of bullies. Or if you look back at their treatment of Obama during his presidency, they act like a bunch of children. My fifth graders have more sense than them to know that you don’t always get your way and compromise is necessary in life to act in the best interest of others.

And so, I’m left saddened and terrified of what more is to come…